Its just gone 7, i’ve finally sat down after what feels like the longest day in history. I’m exhausted. I feel broken. I’m all kinds of stressed. So far, since putting you in your bed, you’ve been out 5 times, and poked that little head round the corner more times than I could count. You think I can’t see you, but I can. You tell me you want just one more ‘squeezy huggle’. You know I need one, you know me better than anyone.
My sweet boy, I know sometimes I don’t have the time to sit with you and play superheroes. I know sometimes I sneak into the kitchen for five minutes of peace, thinking you wont realise. I know sometimes I get angry, and my patience runs thin, for what may seem to be no reason at all. And I know that hurts you. But I don’t mean it.
Being a parent is hard. Really hard. It’s hard because we are supposed to be the ones who know everything, who can guide you and teach you lessons you’ll need in life to be a better person. We are responsible for bringing you up, and making sure you have the best possible childhood, and choose the right path. We have to do things ‘right’, because we only get one chance. But what is right? How am I meant to know if i’m doing whats best for you? No amount of parenting books, classes and late night googling could ever prepare me for the things you throw at me on a daily basis.
But actually, when I sit and think about it, it is you that is teaching all of the lessons. Not me. You have taught me how to love. How to love unconditionally. Even when the terrible two’s were in full force and instead of being calm in the middle of the supermarket, I just wanted to leave you there and run, I walked you to the car, cuddled you, told you how much I loved you, and apologised for even considering it. And then the threenager hits. For all of the times you’ve shouted at me, and told me you don’t like me anymore, I still hold you tight, and tell you that I will always love you, no matter what. Because I do. You are everything to me. My whole entire world, and I love you unconditionally. When days are tough, and nights are never ending, when I feel like everything and everyone is against me, when I just want time alone to breathe, you are always on my mind. I never stop thinking about you, and I want you to know that I never will. You will always be my little boy. My first born. The person that lifts me up, even on the darkest of days. You are my priority sweet boy, and I’m sorry that I don’t always show you that.
You wont remember me rocking you back and forth, stroking that button nose. You wont remember the times I kissed those little cheeks. You wont remember me holding that little hand, as you walked with me. You wont remember me tickling those little feet, and the sheer happiness on my face as you giggle louder and louder. You wont remember how much you healed me, and showed me how to live. And i know you wont remember how hard I tried. But I will, and I hope one day you’ll know just how much you mean to me.
Being a parent is about learning the strengths you thought you never had, and dealing with the fears you didn’t know existed. Some days you might feel like you’ve failed. Like everything you are doing is wrong. You probably feel a sense of guilt; whether its because you lost your temper, or you don’t feel like you spend enough time at home playing dress up, or because you simply just can’t cope with the stress that is parenthood. We all do. But I can tell you this now, you have not failed. You are a great parent. You can do this, and you are not alone.
So for everything you have taught me, my sweet little boy, thank you. You are special to me, and you are so loved.
Forever and always,